Happy Birthday
by DragonRyuuji
Summary: Joel and Ellie are following their usual routine when they end up somewhere that stirs up old memories. Memories Joel is unable to deal with. (Just a short drabble I wrote for a friend. Rated T for language.)


I recently started playing The Last of Us and decided to write this short drabble for a friend of mine. Wasn't actually going to upload it, but why not? I haven't played a lot yet, so this is based off the information I've gotten from the game so far.

* * *

Walking. There was a lot of that. Joel thought about it a lot, that when he returned to the town behind the wall... maybe met the people he knew, or used to know, he could tell them stories from outside the wall. But he wouldn't mention the walking, because it would just be boring and unnecessary. That's what it felt like. Boring, unnecessary, and eventually excruciatingly unbearable. Hell, he almost found it worse than outrunning monsters and outgunning people. And when you hate something so much, you try to shut it out. Try to distance yourself from it, maybe even so much that you forget it's happening. That's why, after some time, Joel didn't really know where they were. He knew where they were going, but he wasn't sure of the places they passed. He didn't even recognize the places he'd been before the infection. Before all of it. The only times he really felt present, that he was right where he was, would be when they fought. Or when they ran. Sometimes even when Ellie talked to him. There was something about her voice that made him wanna pay attention. He didn't know why, though. Maybe he didn't even want to know. But it went on like that.

"Joel."

He kept walking, beads of sweat forming on his forehead.

"Joeeel."

He wiped the sweat from his brow. God, he wanted a shower.

"Joel!"

"What?" He groaned, slowly but surely snapping back from the daze that he was getting dangerously used to.

"How much longer?" Ellie asked, keeping her eyes fixed on the road in front of them.

"Uh... how much longer 'till what?"

"You said we'd rest soon."

"Oh, right... when night rolls around, I guess." He said, raising his arm to look at his watch. Upon recalling the current state of the damn thing, he lowered his arm again, hoping that it would be inconspicuous. But it wasn't.

"Your watch is broken." Ellie stated monotonously, still looking straight ahead.

"I know." Joel mumbled.

"I've told you four times already."

"I know."

"You got issues, man." Ellie sighed, appearantly annoyed, a bi-effect from being tired and worn out.

Silence cloaked them once more, and it stayed that way until they heard the horrid screams and moans of the infected ahead of them.

"God, I'm too tired for this shit." Ellie groaned. Joel just tapped her shoulder in order for her to follow him. The sun was setting, and they had arrived at some town that was just as messed up as all the others. They did their best to stay in the outskirts, constantly trying to avoid the infected that had manifested in the streets. And out of the center they went, onto a dirt road that led past a burnt down farm. Joel didn't notice, though. He just kept walking. He didn't know where they were. He only knew where they were going. And then, once the sun was gone and the darkness shrouded them, the sky broke open and the rain poured down. And masked by the rain was the screams of the infected. Behind them now, closing in, volume raising, fear increasing.

"Let's get out of here!" Ellie shouted so that Joel could hear her over the rain. They ran, and they ran, and when Ellie slipped in the mud, Joel pulled her back up and they kept running. They came to a neighbourhood. Houses. No infected in sight. Maybe they'd shook them all off.

"This house looks good, right? Right?" Ellie exclaimed impatiently, shivering from the rain and the cold.

"Yeah, we can use this. Gotta make sure it's clear first!" Joel replied. They made their way to the front door, and found themselves happy that it was one of the few doors that wasn't blocked by anything. Hell, it wasn't even locked. Owners probably left in a hurry, long, long ago. Joel didn't feel good about the house. That's what he decided once he entered. He didn't feel good about it at all. Oddly enough, it didn't look like anyone had been there. In most houses, one would find traces of people hiding and dying... maybe people didn't come to places like this small neighbourhood. They made sure to lock the door, though. Didn't want anyone barging in while they slept. Joel was 90 percent sure the house was empty, so he let Ellie a bit free. "Here," he said, handing her a bat. "You check upstairs, I'll check down here, okay?"

"Yeah!" Ellie beamed, her face lighting up. It wasn't often Joel would let her loose like that. She took off and ran up the stairs, blatantly ignoring all the rules of keeping away from monsters that detected sound. Joel chuckled under his breath and paced around the house. Time had worn it down, that was for sure. But there was something about it. It kinda felt like a place he could come home to. He let his hands trail along the walls as he walked, checking around just to make sure. He made it into what looked like a home office, cursing a bit as he saw the broken glass door. Anything could come in there. But it didn't take him long to remember that they always kept a broad blank in the garden. He walked towards the door, and then he stopped dead in his tracks. The garden. His garden. No. No, definitely not. It was his head messing with him. But as he walked back into the rain, the cold drops tapping away at his skin, he saw the plank against the wall. He kept quiet as he pulled it with him and propped it in front of the broken glass door. When he turned around, he saw the faint specks of blood on the floor, and the more than just decomposed body. 20 years ago, Joel had shot his neighbour after he burst through the glass door in his office.

"No," he mumbled, stumbling backwards. His back hit the wall, and he fell. "No, no, it's impossible," he said to himself as he scurried to his feet and ran, almost toppling over from his lack of balance. He ran upstairs so hurriedly and so loudly that he probably startled Ellie. "It can't be. It's impossible. I'm wrong, of course I'm wrong," Joel ushered as he opened the different doors on the top floor. He didn't even take the time to think if it was what he thought it was, and before long, he stood in a girl's room. And on the edge of a bed sat Ellie, dangling her feet a little.

"You reckon a girl my age lived here?" She asked, checking herself out in the mirror on the wall. "It's pretty damn awesome, don't you think?" She grinned, looking up at Joel. He was frozen in place. Unable to move. It felt like an eternity. Like it hadn't even existed in this life, but another. He hadn't predicted something like this. He didn't want to worry Ellie. He didn't want to show her that he could be weak, because that would weaken her own resolve. He couldn't let that happen.

"Hey, Joel... you okay?" Ellie asked, furrowing her eyebrows in question. Joel took a few seconds to gather himself, before nodding.

"I'm fine. I'm good. I just found a body downstairs, and I, uh... Got a bit scared."

"That's not like you," Ellie chuckled. "Don't tell me you're turnin' soft on me, old man."

"It's nothing like that." Joel said, brushing her off with a non-chalant voice. He could do it. If he just pretended it was someone elses room. That it wasn't hers. There wasn't exactly anything that proved that it was hers at all. Maybe it was just his imagination.

"Must be getting senile," he murmured to himself, laughing a little. Ellie looked a bit confused, but decided not to push the matter.

"I searched the room... nothing useful here, really. Found some sort of card on the desk over there, but I didn't wanna read it." Ellie sighed, looking up at the ceiling. "I mean, I've found all these letters from grown ups hoping to see each other again, but this is different, you know? This girl, she's my age. I'm afraid that, like, reading it will remind me too much of the life I could've had if it wasn't for this fucking infection."

"Birthday card... huh?" He chuckled. Yeah, he knew it was just his imagination. He wasn't the kind of father who deserved a birthday card, so his mind was definitely playing tricks on him. Sure, he'd gotten a watch, but that was probably just... family obligations. A birthday card comes from the heart. A heart that Joel hadn't deserved to be a part of. Even so, he found himself moving towards the desk. Ellie didn't seem to notice, since she was busy looking at the ceiling as she lay back on the bed.

"Ahh, rest," she sighed happily. Joel kept walking towards the desk when he saw the card. There was a dinosaur with a party hat. He laughed. It wasn't often he saw a dinosaur with a party hat. 'Congratulations!' it read. Ellie had noticed Joel's laugh and propped herself up on her elbows.

"What? Dude, you're reading the card? That's kinda morbid, don't you think?" She asked, but Joel ignored her. She sat up a bit more, watching his back intently. For some reason Joel didn't know of, he read the card out loud. Not /loud/ loud. But just loud enough for himself to hear his own voice, and even for Ellie to pick up on a bit of it too.

"You're not a fossil," he said in a raspy voice, chuckling under his breath. "(Yet.) Happy Birthday."

"What are you doing?" Ellie asked, slowly scooting herself to the edge of the bed.

"Dear dad. Let's see... You're never around. You hate the music I'm into." He continued, and Ellie could easily hear the tremble in his voice. She could even see the way his shoulders twitched. "You practically despise the movies I like, and yet..." He mumbled. He felt sad, but he didn't know why. This was just some random girl, to some random dad. "And yet... you still manage..." He tried to continue, but he was done tricking himself. He was done pretending like it wasn't his daughter. He was done. He clenched the card between his fingers and shut his eyes tightly, trying to stay strong. He couldn't let Ellie see him sad. He didn't even notice her scuffling to her feet. She put a small hand on his big one. She realized then how big and strong his hands actually were. She tugged a bit at the card, and for some reason, he let go, and he stood there silently. Ellie looked at him with big eyes for a while, trying to figure out what was going on. She had a feeling that Joel somehow connected this to his past, but... she knew nothing about his past. The only thing she knew was that he constantly mumbled 'Sarah' and 'Don't leave me, baby' when he was having his nightmares. God, it annoyed her. But even so, she looked down at the card, and she read it. But she didn't read it for herself. She read it for Joel.

"Dear dad. Let's see... you're never around, you hate the music I'm into, you practically despise the movies I like, and yet somehow you still manage to be the best dad every year. How do you do that?" She said, and her voice reminded Joel too much of her. Of his daughter. But part of him was still holding onto the idea that it wasn't her. That it was someone entirely different that had written that card. "Happy birthday, pops. Heart..." Ellie stopped for a second. Oh, god. "Heart... Sarah." She said, and she flinched in surprise as Joel fell to his knees and buried his face in his hands. He was quiet for a while. "Joel?" Ellie asked, her voice trembling nervously. She took a step towards him. "Joel, what's-" She stopped talking as she heard his sobs. His entire body was shaking, and his crying was growing louder and louder. Damnit, Ellie wasn't supposed to see him cry. She'd think he was pathetic. She'd stop trusting him. But he cried. His hands landed on the floor, as if trying to clutch onto something. The tears fell mercilessly from his eyes, trailing their way down his cheeks. His sobs were guttural and terrible, and he felt as if he'd throw up.

"Sarah," he cried, clenching his fists on the floor. "Ellie, I'm sorry," he said before breaking out into crying again. He sounded like a wounded animal. "I didn't... I didn't mean to-"

"Don't." Ellie said, and Joel froze. The tears kept falling, but he didn't move. "Just... don't apologize." Joel's eyes were fixed on the ground, so he couldn't see Ellies face. He didn't know what she felt. "You're so fucking cold, you know? I mean, you've taken all your pain, and you've shut it inside of you. You pretend it doesn't exist." She continued in a dull voice, and Joel started shaking and sobbing again. "I don't know if you realized, but that's a pretty bad thing to show a kid. You can't just pretend to be a robot, Joel. You can't just... you can't just make me think that's how a grown up is supposed to be. Because I don't want it to be like that. I don't want to become an empty shell." She said, and Joel's crying was getting worse and worse. He barely heard Ellie move, her feet shifting on the floor. He felt her knees brush against his own as she placed her legs between his. Her short arms wrapped themselves around his broad shoulders, and she rested her chin on his shoulder. "You're afraid, aren't you?" She asked, and now Joel was silent. His eyes were wide open in shock. "You're afraid to act too human around me, because the last time you were human, it got someone killed. Someone you cared about. You're afraid that if you let yourself think of me as a replacement to Sarah, I'll wind up dead too. And you'll blame yourself." She said, and suddenly her voice was softer and sadder. Her fingers curled and grabbed at the fabric of Joel's shirt. "Hey, Joel... you've been blaming yourself for a long time, haven't you? You trick yourself into thinking that if anyone close to you die, they die because of you. You can't save everyone, Joel. It doesn't work that way."

"Ellie..."

"That's damn right." She mumbled. "I'm Ellie. I'm not your daughter, so you don't get to feel guilty about my well-being. If I get hurt, that's my own damn fault, not yours. So just... stop being so cold all the time."

"Ellie..." He repeated, and then he wrapped his arms around her and cried. She smiled a little, but her eyes were getting wet too.

"I'd be proud, though... if that was the case." She said, and now Joel could hear the sad tone to her voice.

"If... what?" He asked after managing to compose himself a little.

"If you... if you were my dad. I'd be proud." She mumbled, burying her face in the crook of his neck. Joel smiled sorrowfully and hugged her tighter. "Joel." She groaned. "That hurts."

"I'm sorry." Joel said and let go of her. Ellie pulled her head back to look at Joel's face, and he'd stopped crying now. The tears were still there, obviously, but no more came out of his eyes.

"It's okay." Ellie said. She dropped her arms and wrapped them around his waist instead, nuzzling her head against his chest. "It hurts, but... it's real. It feels real, and... you don't get that a lot these days."


End file.
